


Insecure

by Dyal



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: (probably), (sorry I had to), Angst, Anxiety Attacks, I'll make it better, M/M, Social Anxiety, insecure jongdae, kiss it better please, lots of panic, performance problems, pushing my issues on jongdae, sorry bby, struggling jongdae
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-30
Updated: 2018-10-19
Packaged: 2019-01-07 05:07:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,892
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12226389
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dyal/pseuds/Dyal
Summary: As one of the main vocalists in a world famous idol group, how do you deal with crippling insecurities?Jongdae does not have the answer, but he's doing the best he can.(Name & summary & tags changed/updated as of 22.02.18, because I wanted to.)





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *waves*  
> So, I just want to let everyone know that this whole thing is me making Jongdae suffer because I suffer (sorry bby ;< )  
> I'm not really trying to keep him "in character" or whatever, so be prepared for OOC ... From everyone, probably.  
> Continue at your own risk (;

He knows he can sing. It's the reason he was accepted into SM, after all, and debuted with barely any training. But that doesn't necessarily mean he's always confident. Or much confident at all, actually.

He _knows_ he can sing.

But he _feels_ like a complete failure most of the time.

 

\- xxx -

 

Of course he doesn't let his insecurities show. Jongdae is an idol, he definitely knows how to fake it with the best of them. Being an idol is all about good looks and confidence and smiling; to be _better_ than average.

That does not include being an emotional mess because of his chosen career.

Besides, Jongdae is naturally loud and confident and easy going. Feeling this insecure and worried basically goes against his personality. It's wrong and pathetic and _embarrassing_. He should know better than to think like this, be stronger than to feel like he does.

But he doesn't, and he isn't.

 

\- xxx -

 

Jongdae is not sure when it started. It might have been lurking in the back of his mind all the way back to his trainee-days, maybe even before then, or it might have been conjured forth by all the attention and scrutiny and demands for perfection that debuting brought with it.

He have always been a little nervous about performing in front of crowds, even doing the one thing he loves the most. But when under the kind of pressure that idols face every day, who wouldn't be? It is normal. Or it should be.

By the time he realizes that something is most definitely wrong, he also realizes that it is far too late to fix it.

 

\- xxx -

 

He can no longer recall exactly what performance it was, only that is was a bigger event with lots of artists. They had been holed up in their waiting room, just talking or relaxing or playing on their phones.

Jongdae had been sitting in a corner just resting, when he'd heard the door open and a staff member had poked her head in, asking them to get ready for stand by.

He'd stood up with everyone else, and then paused for a second at the way his stomach had clenched painfully. But he had brushed it off as nerves. He was always extra nervous before big performances.

A few minutes later, standing back stage and waiting for their turn, he'd heard the main vocal of another group go horribly off pitch during a high note, and his stomach had _dropped_.

Completely caught off guard at the onslaught of emotion that followed, he'd frozen in place as his heart began pouding painfully in his chest. His breathing followed a few seconds later, becoming shallower and shallower until he had been almost gasping for air.

_Fear. Terror_.

Minseok had bumped his shoulder lightly. "You okay? You're breathing kinda fast."

"Not feeling too good, but I'll manage," he'd replied, because always be as truthful as possible when lying.

Minseok had nodded and turned back, because it was their turn soon and if Jongdae said he would manage, he would manage.

But Jongdae had looked down on his shaking hands, heart still beating painfully fast, and realized he had a _problem_.

_Fuck_.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that was the first part? Or more like an intro, I guess. Hopefully there'll be more!  
> I feel a bit sorry for Jongdae, putting him through this xD ;; But so it goes, when I wanted to vent.  
> If you liked it, please leave a comment! It doesn't have to be a long one, even a "good fic" fuels the writer <3  
> If you want more, then _please_ please leave a comment because I am an insecure mess (therefore this fic) and comments help keeping the motivation strong when the self-doubt goes up \\*^*/  
>  Thanks for reading \^-^/ You are all lovely <3


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's not a long chapter, but I just wanted to get it out here \>-</

Practice doesn't really make perfect in this case, but it does make things a little more bearable and Jongdae gets _a lot_ of practice.

Being aware of what is happening helps, even as he is torn between _how did I not notice this before_ and _how did this even happen_.

He was always nervous about performing, but how did that develop into this ... this fear of standing on stage.

Because that's basically what it is - stage fright.

He's a main singer in a record-selling idol group with _stage fright_. What is his life. 

 

\- xxx - 

 

It starts with his breathing. It always starts with his breathing.

Some times everything seems alright, and he can't help but hope that maybe, maybe -

But of course it hasn't magically disappeared overnight.

He never feels his throat closing up, and is not aware of his inhales getting shorter and shorter until he's barely breathing at all.

But it's hard to ignore the feeling of his lungs straining for air.

The next step - _and how he wishes he wasn't so familiar with this routine_ \- is the sensation of his heart trying to escape out through his mouth, pounding so hard he is always worried someone will hear.

Last comes the nausea and sweating. Beads of perspiration form everywhere: his temples, upper lip, chin, neck, hands, sliding down his back, as his stomach clench and unclench and he feels sick all the way to his core.

Time to find a place to be alone.

 

\- xxx -

 

20 minutes until they're supposed to go on stage.

His throat is too tight. His lungs ache. His heart is beating too fast. His stomach aches. He wants to throw up. His hands are cold and clammy. He feels dirty and gross. His head feels too big, his clothes too tight. He feels -

_A deep breath._

_Hold it as long as possible._

_Exhale._

They will be performing soon and he needs to get it together. EXO is more than just Jongdae, and he will _not_ bring them down any more than he already does.

It's second nature by now to slide his hands under the waistband of his pants and boxers. His fingertips find easy purchase in the skin and flesh around his hips.

He had made the mistake of choosing places that were easily visible the first few times.

 

\- xxx -

 

Scratches on the inside of his arms had led to a long "discussion" with manager-hyung about discretion and being safe. (Just remembering it makes Jongdae want to hide in his bed and never come out.)

A neat circle of teeth-marks on the side of his hand had made a make up-noona so worried Jongdae finally just made up a no-laughing-bet so she would quit fussing over it.

The red marks on the back of his legs caused one stylist to become so irritated Jongdae got shorts thrown at him. ( _"Because he couldn't wear them now anyway!"_ )

He had tried pulling his hair only once, because while it had been pretty effective, the way it'd refused to lay back down afterwards had been quite a problem. The hair stylist had been furious.

How was it this difficult? It was a bit more complicated since he was an idol, yes, but it should _not_ be this hard.

It had taken some serious thinking one night after a shower, sitting on his bed in only a towel, before he finally found an acceptable location that would (hopefully) avoid discovery.

 

\- xxx -

 

He avoids his hip bones and any other places where bone is too close to the surface.

The point is not to cause as much pain as possible, but rather maintain a steady amount over a longer time. Bone and joints gets too intense too quickly.

His nails makes it perfect. They had been too short in the beginning so he had grown them out a little, just enough to get that stinging he needs.

Now he digs them into the soft skin underneath his hip bones, gripping hard. He likes to begin strong and gradually ease up later when he has more control.

It hurts. It hurts _so good_. He tightens his hold even more for a few seconds, just to feel that vice-like grip around his lungs loosen as pain washes over him instead. A long inhale. Exhale. He can breathe again.

As the pain continues, a steady deep ache radiating from his hips, everything else falls back into place.

Slowly, oh so slowly, his heartbeat returns to normal. His mind feels calmer. The nauseous feeling in his stomach is receding, taking the shaking in his hands and tight throat with it.

Every part of his body relaxes bit by bit, until he once again feels in control.

And he keeps at it. He loves this part, could do it til his hands cramps. The longer he does it the longer the peace lasts. And he wants it so bad. But that is never how it goes.

 

\- xxx -

 

"Jongdae?"

Baekhyun's voice is surprisingly close and Jongdae has his hands above his waistband in a second.

He is fixing his shirt and jacket to make sure everything looks normal when Baekhyun pops his head around the huge piece of prop he'd taken cover behind earlier.

"What, you jerking off back here or something?" He grins.

Jongdae snorts and pushes his face away as he steps back out. "Yeah right, you idiot. What do you want?"

"We're doing the mic-test now and you were gone. Everything okay?" Baekhyun bumps his shoulder, but his voice is surprisingly free of teasing.

Jongdae casts a glance at him as they walk back. Baekhyun looks so calm and at ease and Jongdae is _jealous_. He wishes, he wishes so bad -

"I would kill for a hamburger right now," he says instead. Baekhyun barks out a laugh, bumping him again.

"Who wouldn't? I'd sacrifice you for food any time. Or even ice cream. Oh man, I really want ice cream right now."

Jongdae bumps him back harder, sending Baekhyun cackling into Chanyeol as they stop in front of the others.

"Go die, Byun Baekhyun. Traitor."

Everything is as normal. And Jongdae will keep it that way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will (probably) not be replying to comments because _talking to people_ , and because saying "thank you" a million times might be annoying, but I read them all AND THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THE COMMENTS. REALLY TRULY THANK YOU <3  
> It makes me so happy that someone wants more of this story! *cuddles-you-all*  
> But I can not guarantee any regular updates, sorry ): And the next chapter will definitely not be this fast either ><  
> That aside though, I hope someone likes this little update \^-^/  
> And remember to fuel the author, please ~ Comments are life and inspiration <3


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> She liiiiiiiiiives !!! (*disappears-into-a-cupboard*)   
> I'm really sorry I took so long to update y'all, I was really struggling with this chapter [and life] ):   
> But thanks to one of my best friends (she's the awesomest!) who let me complain and nag and bother her for an entire day, this happened <3 (I love you! *hugs-and-kisses*)

So everything is not as normal. And Jongdae is quickly losing the ability to pretend he has any control over it. As the weeks drag on, it slowly gets worse. 

Of course it does. These things always affect the whole system and was naive of him to think it would not spread to other areas of his life.

It is no longer applies to just performing. Any form of attention makes him sweat, and hordes of fans go from being annoying to straight out terrifying. 

 

\- xxx -

 

They're all staring at him. Are they all staring at him? He's not sure if he wants to look around to check or not. They probably aren't. But what if they are? 

Even behind his mask, he feels bare; exposed. He wishes the other members were here. It feels safer when they are all together, almost like being covered in a blanket, protected from all the stares. 

It's a little bit ironic, he knows, because they attract _so much_ more attention as the whole group, but it is more spread out. Members like Jongin and Sehun and Chanyeol grabs attention in a way Jongdae never could or wants to, and it makes him feel less visible, in a good way. 

Now, on his own, he really regrets giving in to his craving for ice cream. If he had just stayed inside the dorm, he wouldn't have to deal with this paranoia. Because he knows, he _knows_ so frustratingly well, that everybody isn't looking at him. But it feels like it. 

Wearing a mask, no make up and a hat, he knows he is pretty unrecognizable to anyone except their most die-hard fans (and other idols, who are so used to this type of disguises they can tell everyone apart. But idols protect their own.) Yet, his whole body is tingling from the weight of imaginary stares. 

If it didn't feel like a huge defeat in some way, Jongdae would've given up on his ice cream and high tailed it back to the dorm long ago. But he's nothing if not competitive, and he will not lose to this ... whatever thing this is. 

When he finally makes back though, the sweat is pouring down his back and he's basically shaking, and it doesn't really feel like the victory it should have been. 

Though he did get his ice cream. 

 

_\- xxx -_

 

Contrary to what every self-help article he's ever read claims, exposure doesn't make anything easier. His heart still tries to beat out of his chest and his lungs still refuse to work. But it does become more ... normal? 

Going off on his own before performances to get his panic under control become just another step in his pre-performance preparations.

A thousand imaginary eyes follows him everywhere as soon as he leaves the dorm, and there is nothing to do but straighten his back and act as if it doesn't feel like ants crawling all over him. 

He begins to forget what it had been like, before. 

How it was to go out and not be constantly aware of everyone around him; to not feel like the whole world was watching and judging him every minute of every day. 

To be able to go on stage without almost tearing his own skin to pieces, without getting lightheaded because of lack of air. To be able to breathe without fear of people hearing. 

The only place he feels at ease is in his own room. Not even the whole dorm is safe territory anymore. His bed is the only place where he can completely relax, and not worry about posture or being off pitch or if his walk is strange. He can breathe and just be at peace. 

 

\- xxx - 

 

There is one specific incident that really sends everything spiralling out of control. And Jongdae has no brakes for it, no matter how hard he tries to keep it together. 

Award season is always a stressful period. There's so much happening over a comparatively short period of time, and it always throw everything into chaos for artists and staff alike 

There's special stages to learn, dance breaks to practice, remixed versions of their title songs to get used to. And each show needs a different performance, no matter how they might only be days apart. It's a mess every year. 

Jongdae is stressed. All of them are stressed. There's too much to do and never enough time to rest. Naps on the practice room floor and in hidden corners in television studios becomes the norm.

Everyone is more irritable, quicker to go off on each other for the smallest thing. It's a bomb ready to go off at any point. 

 

\- xxx - 

 

Baekhyun is the one who, unknowingly, sets the ball rolling. The backstage area is packed with people; other idol groups waiting for their turn and staff bustling around. It's hot and dark and Jongdae feels the panic as a itch under his skin he can't reach. 

As he turns away from the group to look for a corner where he can do his usual get-it-together routine, he is stopped by a strong grip around his arm. 

Baekhyun is staring at him, the dark bags under his eyes visible when they're standing this close. Jongdae can feel the tension dancing along his nerves, his heart already rattling in his chest. 

"What?" he snaps, too out of it to consider how it comes out. Baekhyun's stare morphs into a scowl. 

"Don't _what_ me. Where are you going? It's our turn in like 10 minutes. Don't go scampering off now." 

"I'm not 'scampering off' anywhere," Jongdae replies offended. That hit a little close to the truth for him to brush it off as he usually would. 

Sweat is forming on his back, his fingers twitching with the need to do something, _anything_ , and he takes a deep breath to try and calm down. Starting an argument with Baekhyun will give him nothing except less time to calm down. 

"Sure you are. You do this every performance; running off and hiding in a corner. What's wrong, scared of a few cameras?" Baekhyun's voice is acid enough for several of the other members to turn around, curious about what's going on. Sehun looks a little concerned, while Junmyeon's face clearly screams _really? right now?_. 

Jongdae feels even more frazzled with the extra attention, but even half-panicked he realizes that leaving now will just cause an bigger scene. He grits his teeth. 

"I just wanted 2 minutes to myself, but if you're going to be a _bitch_ about it-" he hisses to Baekhyun, yanking his arm out of his grip, "-then fine. I can stay right here." 

(It's not fine. He wants to rip his skin off to get the prickling to stop. It's driving him crazy.) 

Baekhyun looks more than ready to respond when Junmyeon steps between them. "Not now, and definitely not here," he whispers angrily, conscious of the staff and other idol members all around them. 

"You know the drill. If you have any problems with each other, you keep it to yourself until we can discuss it in a civilised manner _away from the public_. Alright? Now let's be ready, it's our turn in 5." 

He looks between the two singers to make sure they both understand, then go back to the front of the group. 

Baekhyun stares after Junmyeon for a second. When he turns back to look at Jongdae, anything he was planning to say completely dissipates from his mind. 

Jongdae looks downright _terrified_ , shaking and sweating and deathly pale under his make up. 

"Jongdae, what's wrong? Are you okay?" Baekhyun keeps his voice as low as possible, unwilling to attract any more attention to the two of them. Jongdae visibly swallows before replying. 

"No," he grits out.

And then a staff member bustles over, asking for EXO to be on standby, and there is no more time for anything to be said as they ready themselves to perform. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey again, thanks for reading ~  
> So I was originally planning on splitting this chapter in two, to keep all the chapters about the same length, but I wrote it as one "story" and it felt wrong when I tried to cut it. So a longer chapter it is! I hope you liked it.   
> I am not an native English speaker, and this chapter is not beta'd by anyone else, so please tell me if you see any mistakes \^-^/   
> Comments and kudos are converted directly into writing on the next chapter (no lie!) so please feed the writer <3


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry about the long wait ):  
> And also, this chapter is not proof-read so I might come back and change a few (small) things, but I've been struggling with it for so long I just wanted to get it out there now.

It's been a surprisingly long time since Jongdae had to go on stage "unprepared". This time there is no aching, no stinging on his skin, to anchor him in the present and calm his nerves. His chest feels tight and his lungs constricted - how is he supposed to sing like this? How is he supposed to dance when his head feels like it's floating but his body weighs a ton?

How did he function, before? How did he push aside this mind numbing fear and get his body to move the way he wants it to? Needs it to? He can't remember. He can't remember anything. He can hardly remember how to breathe. 

In the end, muscle memory turns out to be his saving grace. As soon as the music starts, Jongdae is already moving. All the hours spent in the practice room has his body turning and twisting and jumping without a single conscious thought piercing through the fog in his head. It is nothing short of a miracle, in his opinion.

Of course it's not perfect. Jongdae is a little off beat sometimes, and definitely more uncoordinated than he's been in a long time, but he's moving. Despite his heart beating so loud he can barely hear the music, despite his tight throat, his foggy head, blurry sight and clammy hands; he is _not_ frozen in fear on live television in front of hundreds of thousands of viewers. 

Jongdae is glad the lighting for the song is dark, that their clothes are even darker, and that Jongin is always in the centre, demanding attention in a way no one else can. It all helps make him less noticeable.  
(A very small part of his brain is still hoping none of their dancing instructors are watching, because of they see him in this condition, he will be locked in the training room for a month.) 

 

\- xxx - 

 

Somehow, he gets through the first song, but then immediately has to fight against his body shutting down as soon as they're backstage to change outfits. 

Jongdae grits his teeth and clench his fists; he can _not_ collapse yet, there's still one more song to perform. But his adrenaline is dropping and he feels like he can stop functioning at any moment. He digs his nails into his palms even though the pain is too insignificant to help. How he longs to sink his fingers into skin hard enough to get proper bruises. It feels like it's been days since he could breathe normally. 

It's almost a relief when they have to go back out - and isn't that ironic - but it lasts all of three seconds before panic sets in and he's once again drowning. He spots Baekhyun glancing his way just before they're ejected through the floor, but he does not have the brain capacity to react or respond. Trying to breathe is taking his all.

Thankfully the second song is pretty easy. There's no carefully choreographed dance routine and they are free to move around the stage as they wish. Jongdae uses this to his advantage; it's easier to avoid the cameras when he is not standing still, which in turn makes breathing a little less difficult. 

And he doesn't have to sing anything until his one part towards the end. Instead, he gets to shout however loud he wants into the microphone. His throat is too tight in the beginning to make much noise, but he gets there after a while. Shouting turns out to be surprisingly calming. 

Then it is actually his part, and for all that this song is easy to perform, that there is no dancing, that Jongdae only has a few lines to sing - he is not ready. He is never ready. But this is what he wanted, it's his own choice, so he has to. There is no other option. 

 

\- xxx - 

 

He fucked up. He fucked up _spectacularly_. The moment his voice cracks on the high note, Jongdae's mind goes blank. There is literally nothing. He sees, he moves, he breathes, but nothing is registering at all. He finishes his part and makes it back to the rest of the members before the haze lifts. 

He chokes on his next breath as he stumbles backstage, panic finally setting in. 

He cracked, cracked, cracked, _cracked_ , on live television during a major award show with hundreds of thousands of viewers. Everyone saw and everyone _heard_ , and his legs feel too weak to support him even a single step. His mind is completely blank.

Just as his feet feel like they might give out, a hand on his arm spins him around, and Jongdae's head snaps up to see Baekhyun looking at him. 

"Let's go," Baekhyun murmurs.

The words don't really register and Jongdae stares blankly, uncomprehending. _Go where? Why? What did he mean?_

When Jongdae doesn't react, Baekhyun grabs his arm and walks off. There are no explanations. He ignores the other members calling after them. 

Jongdae doesn't care where they are going. He trusts Baekhyun. More urgent is the feeling of suffocation. His chest feels too full, like it might burst, and it's exceedingly difficult to breathe. It's like he's inhaled and inhaled and inhaled and now the air is stuck. He can't get it back out.

The pressure is too much. He needs some kind of release, but Baekhyun is there and Jongdae can't dig his nails deep into his skin like he wants to. Instead, he sinks his teeth into his tongue and keeps walking. His eyes burn and he barely blinks. He will not cry, he will not cry, he will _not_ cry.

\- xxx -

They stop shortly after, somewhere dark and quiet. As Baekhyun turns around to look at him for the first time since he dragged him away, Jongdae realises tears are already rolling down his cheeks.

The tears doesn't seem to surprise Baekhyun. His expression is soft, eyes softer, but when he opens his mouth to say something, Jongdae panics. He doesn't want to hear it. Doesn't want to hear a word about his failure, about his inadequacy as a main singers. He doesn't want to hear anything.

"I'm fine." It just slips out. Jongdae scrubs at his cheeks; angry, desperate, but the tears don't stop. "I'm just a little tired, and-" his voice cracks and Jongdae cuts off. And stays silent. When there is no reply, he sneaks a glance at Baekhyun. 

Baekhyun's mouth is turned just the tiniest bit down at the corners, an almost unnoticeable frown. His eyes are sad. He doesn't look disappointed at all. He looks _concerned_. Somehow, that hits him harder.

Jongdae feels his throat close up at the look. He can't deal with this. He doesn't want to deal with this. At least not right now. Can't Baekhyun just leave him alone? Anger makes him feel a little more in control, and Jongdae rounds on Baekhyun with a glare and a cutting remark on the tip of his tongue.

But when he opens his mouth, no words come out. Nothing. Instead, Jongdae stands there in silence for a moment before a sobs takes him by surprise. He snaps his mouth shut immediately but it's too late. He can feel them building in his throat, making it hard to breathe.

The feeling of suffocation is back in full force.

Despite what Jongdae tries to tell himself, it wasn't just one bad performance. It was one of his worst fears and he feels so stupid and embarrassed and pathetic and _wrong_. Singing was - _is_ \- his passion and this was - _is_ \- what he'd always wanted to do and he was - _is_ \- good at it. He _knows_ he is good at it. Or, he knows he used to be good at it.

He gives in. Everything is just too much and he can't take it anymore. His feelings are one big mess and he can barely tell left from right or what's real and what's in his head.

Supported by the nearest wall, Jongdae slides down to the floor and curls into himself. The first sob is quiet, hardly noticeable.

Jongdae barely registers it himself. He just wants it all to stop hurting. But as soon as he stops fighting everything comes crashing down on him all at once, and it isn't long until he's gasping for air between huge sobs that shakes his entire body.

The new, prickly feeling doesn't really register until Baekhyun grabs his hands and pulls them away from his face. Jongdae immediately misses the sensation of his nails.

"What are you doing?" Baekhyun asks, alarmed. "You're scratching yourself bloody."

Jongdae yanks weakly on his hands but Baekhyun doesn't let go. He looks pretty worried.

"Tingles," Jongdae gasps. He shudders once, a fresh wave of tears momentarily silencing him. "Face. It tingles."

It actually feels more like something is crawling under his skin but that is too difficult to explain at the moment. Baekhyun still looks worried.

Jongdae tries to take a deep breath, to elaborate, but instead triggers a violent round of coughing. Baekhyun releases him to quickly pat his back, and Jongdae takes the chance to sink his nails back into his face. But he doesn't scratch this time. Wounds are difficult to cover up.

"Sides of my face. Tingles." Jongdae croaks out when he has air again. His voice is rough, both from crying and coughing. He waits out another wave of sobs, before continuing. "Pins and needles. Like feet falling asleep." Another gasp. "Maybe. Lack of oxygen." Jongdae is barely able to finish his sentence, feeling light headed and swaying. The itching feeling is getting worse and he can no longer breathe through his nose.

There's a quick, almost silent curse and then Baekhyun is pushing at him and Jongdae leans back against the wall. He doesn't have the energy to resist anyway, as he rests his head on the wall and gasps another shallow breath. Inhaling is so difficult. It feels like the air is just going out and out and out, and never coming back in. His lungs _ache_.

"Jongdae. You need to breathe, okay?" Baekhyun is suddenly kneeling in front of him, and his hands are warm on Jongdae's face, thumbs brushing over wet cheeks. It is surprisingly intimate but Jongdae doesn't care. He can't; doesn't have the energy to care. Baekhyun tries to catch his gaze as Jongdae shakes and sobs and coughs and gasps, tears never stopping.

"Jongdae, look at me. Breathe. You need to breathe more deeply."

Jongdae tries, but it's difficult. It's too difficult. He shakes his head, panic settling low in his belly. There is just _no air_.

Baekhyun doesn't falter. His hands are still steady, his voice still calm. "I need you to breathe in and hold it for a second. Just a second, okay? It will help, I promise." 

He can at least try.

The first second seems like a minute to Jongdae, but he trusts Baekhyun and he does his best to inhale when Baekhyun tells him to, and exhale when he tells him to. It is difficult at first, but then one second becomes two seconds and two becomes three and the tingling disappears without Jongdae noticing. He is still crying but the sobs are calming down and he doesn't choke anymore.

Baekhyun continues to hold him, counting the seconds for him, and Jongdae breathes and breathes and breathes, mind finally blissfully empty and lungs no longer aching.

When his tears eventually dry up, Jongdae is almost asleep on Baekhyun, leaning against him and resting his head on his shoulder. He's barely coherent enough to walk on his own as Baekhyun leads them back to a car. The other members aren't there but Jongdae doesn't have the capacity to wonder where they could be. He is out like a light before they pull out of the parking garage.

He doesn't even stir when Baekhyun and a manager has to carry him from the car to the dorms.

\- xxx -

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Somehow, this chapter ended up almost as long as the rest of the 3 chapters combined ... lol?  
> Thank you so much to the wonderful @Asztajn who volunteer to beta for me (and sorry this is different than what I sent you xD ><)  
> Please leave a comment if you liked this chapter - tell me what you think, what you would like to happen from now on, or anything you want <3


End file.
